How To Get Out Of Bed In The Morning:
Remind yourself that there are flowers that need tending to in the kitchen. They are depending on you and you alone. (Note: Straight men do not care about flowers.) They are behaving very politely about the situation (as flowers usually do), but save an immediate infusion of fresh water and some zealous clipping of stems, they will soon be limper than Stephen Tennant's wrist.
Once there, locate the tea accoutrements and brew oneself an exotic wake-up call.
How To Get One's Child Out Of Bed in the Morning:
Tell him that if he takes a quick shower, brushes his teeth, gets dressed and eats his breakfast, he might have time to watch one episode of "Phineas and Ferb" before we leave for school.
How to Excite A Cat:
Absentmindedly leave dining room doors ajar. Watch as feline instantly sneaks in on a blissful mission to mess up books, tamper with guitar and continue his unwavering quest to shred the back of sofa.
How to Motivate Oneself For Carpool Duty:
Hang out your beloved Dries Van Noten coat the evening before. Tell yourself that if you keep it buttoned up, no one will be able to see your pajamas underneath when you drive through the school dropoff line.
How to Prepare Oneself for Six Hours of Sewing:
Remind yourself of all the interesting words you get to sew.
How To Pay Bills In A Timely Fashion:
Keep an inspirational quote handy...
...and a stern face within your gaze at all times.
(Dominick Dunne, 1925-2009)
After A Quiet Day, How To Prepare Oneself For The Onslaught That Lies Ahead:
Remind yourself that though it is a truly marvel of science that so much noise can burst forth from one tiny body...
...it's nothing a couple of earplugs can't overcome.
(Written nine days before his birthday. Hmmm....)